28072010. 18:26
Feelings.
I am now sitting at the edge of my bed. The books are all over my bed, laptop also on my bed.
I was doing revision just now. Anatomy and physiology. for 28 days I’m here in kL, I think I had never revise my study. Not even once. Yes of course I did open my book, read it a bit.. but it’s not effective reading. I didn’t gain anything from what I read. I’m so stressed by that. Oh my God. What should I do.. I don’t want to fail. I really don’t want to… cause if I do, I will disappoint many people. Especially important people in my life : mom n dad. I really need to boost up n start studying. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake I’ve done in form 5. I don’t want to have bad result ! plus I planned to further my study after finishing my diploma. If I failed my diploma, how can I continue my study… ? arggh ! if yean is here, I think I can do better.. cause I am really 'energized' when I’m with her. I always have that feeling to want to be better than her. I always want to study. hey, it's a healthy competition. But here…. Aish. Hard to say…. But I know.. it’s actually up to me.. whether I want to study or not, it’s up to me… my friends has nothing to do with it… if I really want to, I can do it.. but it’s the noise that I can’t stand.. oh my ! sometimes I feel like I want to zip their mouth up. Some of them act so childishly. Yea, I understand that they are new to university environment, but don’t they see that everyone’s not acting the way they do ? aiyaaa !
God, please help me. I need strength. I need guide. Please help me here. Please send me an angel to face whatever I am facing right now. I know I can do anything in Your name. only You can help me. I pray so that I can succeed my 3 years study here. I pray to You, make my friends realize the exact purpose they are here. make them see that they should be matured enough now..
God, I also pray so my family will always be in Your hand. Lead them wherever they are. Protect them from any harm or accidents. May Your Holy Spirits live in our house and we will live the way You want us to live. Give them good health and may happiness will always enlighten our house. Take away the sorrows and let them feel no tiredness. and God, I beg to You, let them not suffer from any illness and do not give them test that they can’t solve. To my mom and dad, take away their tiredness as they deserve it for the hard work of raising the 8 of us all these years..
To my friends.. especially my bestfriends, God may we all succeed in our study and in the end we will have good jobs. God, I pray to You, even though we are far from each other, may the bond between us will never break. I could never have better friends than them cause they are the best in the world. Guide us all.. may we never be pulled in by the forces of sins. May we can always see that every little things happened in our life are because of Your power. May we never forget to thank You for everything You’ve given us and all the prayers You’ve answered.
Give me strength God ! I’m living in the world of strangers ! please help me !
21:25.
To: cathrine.
I know, I know. I’m only an ordinary human being. i can never escape from doing mistakes. Forgive me. But I was only joking, the way you always did to me. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me. I understand. But I have a bad day today. I hope you can try to understand me. I’m so not in the mood to talk, but I forced myself to. Why ? cause I don’t want you to feel hurt… but you did anyway. Hurmm. All I can say is I’m so sorry.
23:21 29072010.
Outside. Living room. Listening to songs.
Just finish talking with someone. It’s good to talk with people sometimes. To me, it’s really important to maintain good relationship with everyone. Cause this is life and life is nothing if you do not mix with the people around you. Communicating will allow you to exchange thoughts and at the same time will improve your communicating skill. That’s why I always encourage myself to talk to people even though I am really shy.
Today, I didn’t talk much though. Huhu. I’m don't feel like talking. I don’t have the mood to laugh, to do jokes and listen to craps. The only person I talk much is with alex.. but he was so annoying.. lol. He said I am a small women… bulldog, monkey… don’t know what else he compared me to. Huh. he even criticize the way i walk. Aish. Huhu.
Just now I ask bapa to top up me. But he didn’t even reply my messages.. These days he never replied my messages. I wonder why.. maybe he doesn’t have credit… but I can understand…… I know he’s tired. Working in the paddy field… poor mom n dad.. I miss them so much.
00:59 31072010
On my bed. Listening to mandy moore, only hope song.
Just now we watch 2 movies; I want to be Cinderella, japan movie and Talentime, yasmin ahmad. That malay movie is so brilliant. The story is wonderful. It’s a about the life of 3 teens. The 3 of them are related through this competition, Talentime, organized by their teacher in their school. The 3 teens have different story in their life. One of them have an ill mother where at the end, the mother died. The other teen, a girl, came from a lovely family. A supportive family. She fell in love with this boy whom was given a task to fetch and send her home everyday from her singing practice. The 3rd teen is the boy whom the girl love aka the boy who fetch and send the girl back home.. He also love the girl. But his mother didn’t allowed them to have a relationship because of a certain cause. The boy is also deaf and mute. But in the end, they managed to get the permission from the boy’s mom.this story, It really touched my heart. I believe it also touch many people’s heart too. This is the kind of movie we should produce cause it can help us to open our heart and see the things that is going on in our surrounding.
Today… hurm, like yesterday I didn’t talk much. Suddenly I have a feeling that this maybe a change, a sign that I’m maturing. I suddenly realize that I am not like the old me. I don’t do certain things anymore. Huhu.. but I think this is a good thing though. I can change the way I think, the way I look at things in my life… I hope people can accept my changes as I tried to accept their’s.
Just now we checked the ticket’s price for this September during hari raya. It’s rm 298. To and back. I think it’s quite cheap. Maybe I’m going back home. Yeah. If dad buy the ticket for me laa. If not, hmm. What can I do. Have to stay here with my friends then.
At some point, my skies are darkening.
The rain pours down, my road are so slippery.
I fell so many times. i scream and cried as it crushes and broke my bones.
I wonder why life is cruel to me..
I wonder if this is some kind of punishment.. but what have I done wrong ?
I tried to find answers, I asked so many people why things happens.
They shook their head and walk away.
What have I do wrong ?
What did I do ?
I need someone here now.. to hold my hands and to help me raise up.
To help me wipe my dirt-full face.
To help me go on with my life and also be my light.
I am waiting. For someone to be my guidance,
To be the person who will save me and keep me from falling down.
Yes I swear, I will wait for you. 01:35 31072010.
02082010 22:54
Yesterday, I went to church with azie and some other girls from our class. The church is near times square. The Sunday mass started at 12 and ends at about 13:30. I really love the church, the choir. It makes me feel like I’m in sabah.. the people are mostly from sabah, Sarawak and Indonesia. What shock me is that I see people I know there. Although this maybe just a small thing to some people, but to me it is a miracle… to see people I know in this land of strangers is a miracle. It shows that the power of God can unite people no matter where we are.
After church,we walked to times square. we went to eat at kfc with the gang. When we’ve finished eating, we separate.. me and azie explore times square, the rest went to mydin. Me and azie went into may shops to find shirts and shoes. I bought 2 shirts. And a necklace..
Actually, 0108010 means I am already 1 month here. But I feel like I’m already here for years. Aishh. Huhu. I can’t wait to go back sabah.
I went to register for the computer lab today. Checked fb for awhile.. after that we went for class… in the evening, we went to register the wifi at giant…
Ean called just now. Said she is so stress. Her ‘time’ is coming. I know how she will act when her period is coming. If the person around her do not know her well, they can become really annoyed by her. I can’t imagine how donna and manja will react towards her. We both made a deal. Both of us will study to have 3.3 and above. Whoever gets lower than the other one have to spend starbucks to the person who wins. I accepted the deal and I hope I will win.
Just now I phoned afiq. Uihh. I miss him so much. But only as friend laa.. not more than that..he’s still like the old him. But no matter how many times he told me he already changed, i will not trust him anymore. It’s not possible. No way. He will never change. I know him. Huhu.. we chat for 18mnts. And when I said I want to hang up, he said I love u. but I only replied him ‘eemmm’.. huhu. I know he still love me but I will never go back to him anymore. Never.
